The Way I Look at Her
by Catygirl
Summary: Sam, but from Jacob's point of view. Sticks to canon and runs for the series up to and through "Threads". As always I own nothing. It is a real shame!


The Way I Look At Her.

The way I look at her has changed over the years. She has always been my child but I have not seen the person I should have seen.

When she was born I was disappointed. She was right, she always knew, she got her name because I wanted a boy. As I looked at the baby in a pink blanket, not blue like the doctor had predicted, I had no idea what to say. My dreams of a career serving 'his' country were in ruins. I wanted a boy, so I named her Sam, and never let her forget that even her DNA was a little below what I expected of her.

When her Mom died, no when I admitted she died because I didn't pick her up, I didn't see a grieving child. I saw a young woman who was supposed to take this in her stride. She was supposed to takeover where her mother left off. She was supposed to be the dutiful daughter and look after me and her brother. She wasn't supposed to shout at a officer. It took effort not to strike her. No I didn't look at her the right way for many years after that.

When she left to join the Airforce Academy I didn't see a young female cadet, I saw her brother. He was supposed to follow me into the Airforce, he had let me down. I didn't think about what Sam might be getting in to. I didn't contemplate what this decision would do to her life. I made her salute me, I refused to hug her, a General couldn't be seen to act like that. I acted like I didn't see the frightened look in her eyes as she realised that the airforce was my dream not hers.

When she graduated top of her class I attended the ceremony. She was going to be an officer I could be proud of, she couldn't go into a combat zone but she would work hard to protect her country and then go into space. I knew she liked that stuff and I couldn't think of anything better for her. I would get to announce to my friends that my daughter was in the space programme. I didn't get a chance to speak to her much, another General needed to speak to me. I saw the look of resignation as I turned away from her but what the General needed to say was important.

When she returned from Iraq I went to the medal ceremony. It had been a surprise when she got posted; even more that she had actually flown some missions. She was clearly a good pilot and that made me proud, proud of what I had taught her, proud of what my airforce had given her. The only thing that disappointed me was that she was being sent to D.C and not to NASA. Did she not want advancement? Did she not want to be in space like we planned?

When I saw her again nearly three years had passed. She was receiving another medal and my old friend had invited me along. It was clear from our first meeting that she wasn't meeting her potential. The cover story she tried to sell me was clearly a load of crap so I knew she was into something big. She seemed happy but her life had not turned out how I had imagined. She was not in space. So I had pulled some strings, got her the way in that she needed. And she threw it back in my face. For the first time in our lives she stood up to me like her brother did. I couldn't believe it; she had taken after him after all. I shouldn't be seeing him in front of me; I should be seeing my grateful Captain daughter. I quickly left. I would die and Sam would not be fulfilling my dreams.

I watched her when she came into the room it was almost over, why had George brought her back? I didn't need to see her fake grief for a father she didn't know. She was there to tell me what she did. I can't tell a lie it blew me away. In fact I didn't believe it at first, I didn't accept it for a few minutes. I looked in her eyes and finally got a glimpse of the woman she was, a damn good airman.

I looked at her before I took in Selmak, she was no longer a little girl or a cadet. She was a Captain and I was proud of her. Not just because she had made my dream a reality but she was clearly making her own dreams come true. It was strange to view her through two eyes and not just my own, my new companion had some views of my daughter. Some that did not really sit well with me, questions over grand kids were not really what I needed now.

The next time I really looked at her we were in Mark's house, not something I expected to be doing but Sel could be very persuasive. She was playing with the beautiful little grand-daughter I had just met and the young boy who looked so like his father it scared me. She was clearly involved in their lives, knew what they liked and disliked. She had spent time with them and for the first time in many years I felt as if I had missed out on something. My family looked good together. Mark and his wife had accepted me into their home with only a few questions. Mark seemed genuinely happy that I had taken the first step, and Sam, she was delighted. There was still the little niggle in my head about Sam's life, there had been no mention of anyone after her split from Jonas. Sam didn't even tell me she was engaged never mind that they had split up. Who was in her life now?

When I saw her in hell I sighed, she shouldn't have come. I knew they might send someone but why them, why her? I looked at her and saw a face covered in dirt, a face concerned, worried about me. Me, who had never really considered what she was going through, who had never tried to help her, why did she come for me? I saw a committed Airman, someone who would go above and beyond for her team, for her father. I was, in that moment caught between being so very proud of her and so damn angry that she had put herself in danger. Did she not have a life that was important to her? I decided at that point that a little vacation was in order, just us, we could catch up and I could find out why she would risk her life to be here for me.

She blew up a sun! My god how unbelievable is my daughter. I had known she was smart but this was well astronomical to say the least. She was terrified I could see that. She had all that power in her hands and she was afraid of how to use it. But I was so damn proud, my daughter the scientist. Before Sel I would never understand what she was talking about. I could see the same look on O'Neill's face when Sam explained things to him. She would do it in simple steps and hope that he would either catch on or accept that she knew what she was talking about and let her get on with it. He had no idea how she would blow this up but I could see that Jack was as proud as I was. Scientist Sam was working and nothing would stand in her way, not even an entire solar system.

We kept in touch more regularly from then on, but the next time I watched her it was while she said goodbye to her best friend. I knew they were close, knew the whole team were a family and they were losing one of their own. Jack had told me to let Daniel go and I could see it break my little girl's heart. Yes for the first time in perhaps forever I wanted to hold her like she was my little girl. I had never done that; a General couldn't be seen doing that. That thought alone really brought me up short. No wonder Sam had felt like a stranger a few years ago, I had never let her see the real me, why would she show me the real her.

She recovered from the loss of her friend but the next time I saw her I feared it was so much worse. She was going to drown and there was nothing I could do. That Major from the Pentagon would not stop shouting at me. She was my daughter I wanted to scream, my child and I could not help her. And then as if by miracle or magic she was saved. I was delighted beyond words and as usual I didn't use many to tell her how I felt. I caught a brief look at what my life would be like without her. The thought of visiting Mark with the news, the life that she would never live, the husband and children she would not have. I did not like the look of life without her.

After losing Daniel I did not think I would see Sam in another situation like that but O'Neill had got himself into something that was on the verge of resulting in his death. As they stepped through the gate, bringing him to get a symbiote, I caught a glimpse of a woman. This woman worried me more than I thought possible, this woman was grief-stricken. Not the one who had lost her friend earlier that year but the one who was losing someone much closer. Did she truly feel that way about him? I had never thought of her as someone who would break the rules. It was only a glance from Teal'c that indicated that perhaps the rules had not been broken and that was making my daughters heart break even more.

Jack pulled through, no thanks to the Tok'ra that he had trusted. When I had a chance to watch her again we had come across another crisis. The Super-soldier. There were so many but it had taken only one to injure her, seriously injure her. She was safe when I looked at her again. I was leaving and it hurt her. I remembered the young girl who would watch me from the front step and wave as I left on various missions. I was leaving again and I did not know when I would see her again. I saw before me a woman who was not a super soldier, no matter how much she tried, she was mortal. I had spent so many years among people who lived for more years than I could dream. But Sam was mortal, had almost died, only O'Neill and Teal'c's stubbornness had saved her. I'm not sure if I wanted to see this side of my daughter again, I prayed I would not.

I went away for a long time, longer than I had planned and Sam's life had changed dramatically in that time. Not that this was the moment to discuss anything like that. I looked at her on the screen, she was off saving the world again or the galaxy as it was this time. She was so good at her job so unbelievably self-less. Even with the change in her personal life she didn't think twice about it. I hated the idea that this could be the last time I saw her. I wanted to say so much but my General self would not allow it. Unlike her I can be a very large coward.

I watched her study the wall and for the first time in many years I allowed myself to see her mother when I looked at her. I didn't do it before because it hurt too much. But seeing the concentration on her face, the ideas sparkling in her eyes and the complete determination that we would crack this code I could not help but see my beloved wife. She had that same look on her face when she tackled anything new, especially a recipe. I almost laughed at the memory. It was good to remember and see where Sam had come from. My wife was an amazing woman and she had given me and the world an amazing daughter.

Having got into the machine I got a chance to see the ruthless Sam, the one who had spent way too long with Jack O'Neill. Despite my best efforts to dissuade her she invited Ba'al to help us. And she would not take no for an answer no matter how chauvinistic the arrogant Goa'uld was. She knew this could be a disaster but she also had confidence that it was the only way forward. I saw the Colonel she had been groomed too, she was truly an Airman who could go far if only I could help her survive this latest crisis. I wanted to know this strong leader but I knew it was perhaps not to be. Not because she would be killed but because I might.

When we won, when we were successful, I was exhausted. I saw for the first time in many years a woman concerned about her father. I had hoped never to see that look in her face again; the one that wondered if I was ok, if I needed help, if I was in pain. I had no answers for her and wished she wouldn't look at me that way. I didn't want to see pity on her face. She had won, she should be celebrating.

I had decided to keep it a secret but I needed to know that she would be happy. Mark was already in a good place; he had his wife and his fantastic kids. That was what I wanted for Sam, a family. She was engaged and had told me all about Pete while we were ridding the world of replicators. I wanted to see this, I needed to see the woman she would be after I died. A woman who had a life to go home to and was married to a man who fully respected her and her job. What I saw was Pete! More importantly I saw an embarrassed Sam, I never thought I would ever see that. She was a proud woman; proud of her job, of her team and of her family but before this man she was embarrassed. Embarrassed for me or for herself? This was not the scene I had expected, not the woman I wanted my daughter to be.

In the commissary she was defiant, she would marry him. Why did she think that I could not see the real her. Ok so I have never been very good at reading people but I think Sam had forgotten my companion. He was in a coma but he saw, from the moment she carried Jack O'Neill in that box through the gate, Sel could see. And boy would he not let up on it. Sam was in love with Jack. I could see it clearly now as well. I only had a little time but I needed to make this right.

I looked into her eyes and tried so hard to get her to see, to understand that she could have Jack and still be part of the SGC. I had seen her at work and she would not be allowed to leave this command even if she resigned from the airforce. She could have everything she wanted but for the first time I saw my defeated daughter. For some reason she was settling for Pete, I had no idea why and wished that I could talk to her like a friend would but our history would not allow it. I could only sigh and decide to take the direct route; over her head.

The way I looked at her has changed over the years. I have seen my child at her best and through my worst. I have missed much of her life and lived the most amazing life thanks to her. Now at the end of everything I am content because I look up and see my daughter in good hands. She will grieve, although I hope not for long, but she will go on. She will have the life I wanted for her only on her terms not mine. She has the career that I wanted for her but she has the career that can take her further than I ever dreamed. However that comes below the life she will have with the man there with her. When we first met again years before I had interfered in her life and she was not happy but this time it had to be done. I told him to speak to her, to talk to George and do something that meant Sam would have the life she wanted, the man she wanted. He would do it. I wouldn't get the chance to see them together, to walk her down the aisle if Jack ever asked or to hold her child but I could see them now. They were doing what they did best, comfort each other.

I should have seen my daughter as she is before now but at least today I can see her; Airman, Colonel, little girl, brave woman, very like her mother and above all a woman in love with a man who loved her. I am ashamed that I didn't see her before but I can go now, knowing that I have met my amazing Sam.

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AN: Thanks for reading. I have written an NCIS/Stargate crossover - Still Sam/Jack. Plan to post on the crossover website. So if you don't always look there hit author alert and you can get an email when I start to post. Hope you enjoyed the story, I always liked Jacob's point of view.


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